


Love, Justin (Part 1)

by LaVieEnRose



Series: The One Where Justin Loses His Hearing [132]
Category: Queer as Folk (US)
Genre: Chronic Illness, Chronic Pain, Deaf Character, Epistolary, Grief/Mourning, Hurt/Comfort, Letters, M/M, Multi, Polyamory
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-02-14
Updated: 2021-02-14
Packaged: 2021-03-14 05:26:51
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,387
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29413359
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LaVieEnRose/pseuds/LaVieEnRose
Summary: More letters between Ben and Justin, spanning from Pause to Unsaid.
Relationships: Ben Bruckner/Michael Novotny, Brian Kinney (Queer as Folk)/Other(s), Brian Kinney/Justin Taylor (Queer as Folk), Justin Taylor (Queer as Folk)/Other(s)
Series: The One Where Justin Loses His Hearing [132]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1026162
Comments: 6
Kudos: 70





	Love, Justin (Part 1)

Everything changed for Justin—for everyone, I think—in the fall of 2013. It started, for me, the same way most things with Justin do: with an email.

_November 4thh, 2013_

_Hey Ben._

_So I wanted to fill you in on what's going on before you hear it from Michael via Brian. He agreed to hold off until I had a chance to tell the people I want to. I just got off the phone with Molly explaining everything, and I've talked to my mom and to Evan, that guy I'm seeing, and my friends here...so sorry if I seem a little robotic talking about this. It's like the more people I tell the less real it seems._

_Basically I had a bad reaction to my anticonvulsants, and my body started attacking my bone marrow, so my immune system is kind of...not. It's why I keep catching colds all the time. Apparently I'm really lucky that colds are all I've caught, which I think freaks Brian out more than this. Nothing gets to him like realizing things could have been worse and he didn't know at the time. It's like he thinks we're going to go back in time and live out the other scenarios. I don't know. He just likes to know what's going on. I do too._

_Sorry. I'm babbling._

_They have to take me off my anticonvulsant right away and introduce a new one, but they have to titer those up, you can't just start on the full dose right away. So there's going to be a period where I'm on basically no anti-seizure meds for the first time since I was bashed._

_We're not really anticipating that that's going to go well._

_Brian's preparing the apartment for all the seizures I'm about to have, probably starting in the next few hours. It's pretty dark, planning for something like this, and there's nothing we can do to stop it. And it's not like I can just go to the hospital because I'd probably catch something, so they'd have to put me in isolation and I wouldn't even get an interpreter, or Brian._

_Anyway, I wanted to let you know because I'm not sure how much I'm going to be able to communicate for the next few days until they can build up the new anticonvulsant. Brian said he's going to medicate me to sleep through this as much as possible. I'm hoping it won't be too bad. Maybe it won't be too bad?_

_See you on the other side,  
Justin_

_**_

_Justin--_

_Okay, thank you for letting us know. I told Michael, and he's on the phone with Brian right now. Just about as frantic as you would expect. I hope you know how loved you are._

_This is probably going to be hell. But you're going to come out of it stronger, and with yet another incredible story of a storm you've weathered._

_Sorry. I know you hate that kind of talk. It's true, though. Every period of acute illness I've faced has made me a stronger person in the long run, healthier mentally at the very least. I think it's good for our bodies to be pushed to the limit every once in a while, for us to get to see how much we can really take. It's hideously unfun at the time, but it's a kind of strength healthy people rarely, if ever, get the chance to find in themselves._

_Anyway, I hope you're not reading this, and that instead you're blissfully asleep and that you remember none of this. Because fuck being stronger. I'd rather you got some rest._

_Love,  
Ben_

Michael and I spent a few days on tenterhooks, jumping every time the phone rang, waiting for news, but all we got were a few sporadic texts from Brian: _still alive, still seizing._ I can't tell you what a relief it was when my inbox finally lit up.

_  
November 7th, 2013_

_Ben,_

_Well, I am back amongst the somewhat-neurologically stable. It was a rough as hell few days, but I guess it could have been worse. Brian's clearly wrung the fuck out, and I feel bad about that, but when I ask how he's doing he just about bites my head off. So business as usual, basically._

_I've still got the cold I started out with and it doesn't seem to be getting much better, but I guess three days of seizures don't do much to fight off a virus. I haven't had a seizure in about six hours, but this is the first time I've felt okay enough to sit up and look at the computer._

_As you requested, I don't remember much of the past few days, I just know I feel really, really, really exhausted. And very sore. And this cold is getting on my nerves._

_But I'm on the new anticonvulsant, so it should get better from here._

_More updates soon. And I need to hear about how everything's going over there; I am so sick of just talking about me. You must be sick of it too._

_Shutting up now!  
Love,  
Justin_

Eight hours later, all of us in Pittsburgh got a text from Brian.

_Justin's sick. It's bad. Don't call._

We begged for details, texted him over and over, and Michael of course tried calling regardless, but Brian didn't answer his phone, and even Michael, in all his panic, knew not to call Justin. We did eventually get some more details, from Jennifer via Debbie, but even those were scattered. Justin had pneumonia. His immune system was still trashed.

“Why isn't he in the hospital?” Michael asked me.

“I don't know. When he was having seizures he said it was because he'd be in isolation, wouldn't get an interpreter.”

“Who does he need to talk to?? He's sick as shit, is he even awake?”

“I don't know. I don't know.”

_November 10th, 2013_

_Dear Justin,_

_We love you so much. I know we'll hear from you soon._

_Ben_

And then the phone rang in the middle of the night. I sleep on the side with the phone on the night table, so I got to it first, while Michael rubbed his eyes and sat up.

“Brian?” I said.

“Yeah.” His voice was hoarse, wrecked. “Where's Michael?”

“He's here, do you want me to—”

“He's a hundred and six,” Brian said, before I could hand off the phone.

“He's what?”

“His fever.”

“Holy shit.”

“It's a hundred and six and he can't breathe. He's trying so hard and he can't breathe.” He took a shaky breath in. “He's sitting on the bed right now trying to breathe and he can't. I don't know if he even knows I'm here.”

“Brian, maybe—”

“I think he's going to die,” Brian says. “I think I'm waiting for him to die on me.”

There was nothing I wanted to do more than reassure him, but the words weren't coming. I wanted to be there, to put my arms around Justin and know for myself just how bad the situation was, if Brian was just stressed and tired and panicking or if...

How was I supposed to comfort Brian when I couldn't even finish the sentence? When I couldn't, when the time came, confront the reality that Justin and I discussed all the time, that we promised each other and ourselves we'd meet bravely?

But not like this. Not when he thought he was getting better. Not when he didn't know what was happening.

Michael stared at me, his eyes wide. I put the phone on speaker and said, “Brian, you need to take him to the hospital. I know it's risky, but—”

“No.”

Michael said, “Brian—”

“His last fucking moments are not going to be locked in a room _by himself_ when he has no fucking idea what's going on! He is _safe_ here. He's with me. I'm not taking that away.”

It was maybe the first time I grasped how much Brian loved him.

“I need to call his sister,” Brian said absently, his voice soft all of a sudden. “I should do that...”

“Brian,” Michael said.

“I have to go,” Brian said, and the line went dead.

_November 11th, 2013_

_Not like this, Justin._

_It's not time._

_Ben_

The next few days were impossibly slow. We tried to go about our lives. We texted Brian and never got any answers. Debbie said the updates Jennifer was getting were sporadic as well. “No news is good news,” Debbie said. “We just have to be patient with Sunshine.”

“I never thought it was this serious,” Michael said to me at one point. “Brian would always...you know, he was so casual about it, I never thought I needed to worry about Justin, really. I didn't know it was this bad.”

“I don't think it was before,” I said. “But I don't think it's going to go back to how it was now.”

“If he makes it through this,” Michael said.

“He will,” I said.

It was such a reversal of roles. Usually I'm the one trying to keep Michael grounded, to keep him in tune with the universe. But now I was faced with something I couldn't accept, and I couldn't help thinking how disappointed Justin would be with me. Justin would be trusting me, of all people, to stay realistic and hold everyone up. I've dealt with death. I live with death. I'm supposed to guide everyone over the river Styx, so to speak. And here I was with my heels dug in the sand.

It's just...I think this gets lost in how much Justin's been through, but he's _so young._ He was thirty when all of this was happening. Younger than I was when I met Michael. He had a whole life left to go.

Justin had a severe seizure disorder, yes, but he didn't have a terminal illness. When we talked about his disease shortening his life, we were talking about him dying in his late sixties or early seventies, not thirty. And for this sudden complication to come along and try to steal him away within the span of a week...it didn't feel real. And we couldn't see Justin, or talk to him, so it was almost like it wasn't happening. Like a very, very bad joke, and Justin was going to pop out at the end and shout “Surprise!”

And, well, that didn't happen. But we did get a text from Brian on November 13th: _Feeling better today. Still sleeping a lot. Don't call._

“Does that mean he's going to be okay?” Michael said, and I thought about what _okay_ meant.

I'd seen enough people slip down the drain. They get sick that first time and then they never really get out of it. It's what I was afraid was happening years ago, when I was hospitalized for pancreatitis. Luckily, there had been no lasting effects from that.

That seemed unlikely here.

Nevertheless, I felt, ironically, like I could breathe again when my inbox lit up the next day.

_November 15th, 2013_

_Hi._

_I haven't read the emails you sent, sorry. I have so many to go through. But I wanted to let you know I'm doing better. I'm still sleeping nonstop, but Brian says that's okay._

_Wanted to check in with you while I was up. How are you?_

_Love,  
Justin  
_

He asked how I was.

If you don't see the magic of this boy by now, I don't know what to tell you.

_November 22nd, 2013_

_Hi Ben,_

_It's funny getting well, because every day I feel like okay, I'm alert and aware now, I know what's going on, and then the next day I'm so much MORE alert and aware that I'm like, wow, yesterday Justin was delusional, he was still fogy as shit, but now I know what's going on! And then the next day it's the same thing. By the time I'm done with this I will truly have all my chakras open, so watch out._

_Brian's getting back to normal too. He acts pretty okay for the most part, and he started going back to work again. But the past few nights he's had these really brutal nightmares, just thinking I'm sick again. My therapist—over webcam, of course—says that both of us probably have PTSD from this, which is good because we were really squeezing the bashing trauma dry at this point._

_Physically it’s still a challenge; I’m still so tired, and I still have a sinus infection and an ear infection and the remains of pneumonia just hanging out in my lungs, but my doctor says in a few months I’ll be good as new. Or else I won’t be, and then we have to talk permanent damage, and let’s cross that bridge when we come to it, Brian says. He’s sure it’s all going to be fine, except at night when he shakes and clings to me. I really can’t imagine what these past few weeks were like for him. I don’t think he wants me to think about it. He says I need to just focus on getting better, and I guess that’s really the biggest thing I can do to help him anyway._

_I just don’t know how he does it. When he had cancer I was a mess, and that was, well, he’d be the first to tell you that was not a huge thing in retrospect. And I know, I know, don’t rescue your partner. And I’m not talking about running away and sparing him the pain of loving me or anything like that. I just wish I was easier for him._

_Well, I’ve been awake for an award-winning three hours, so time for me to pass out again. Love to Michael._

_Justin_

_November 25th, 2013_

_Hey Justin,_

_Michael’s delighted to be coming up for Thanksgiving. Sorry I can’t make it; Hunter’s coming home and I don’t want him arriving at an empty house. Plus we’d have to get someone to watch Ivy, and Debbie’s getting a little old to chase after all the kids while she makes a four-course dinner._

_Please don’t push yourself just because Michael’s going to be there. I’ve already prepped him from what you’ve told me and he knows not to expect you to perform for him. Just relax and enjoy the day._

_Love,_   
_Ben_

_November 29th, 2013_   
_Dear Ben,_

_Thanksgiving was really nice! I actually stayed awake for some of it, so that was very exciting for everyone. And Michael met Evan, which was so funny. I kept waiting to see if he was gonna fight Evan on Brian’s behalf._

_Everything’s going okay over here. Recovery continues to be the slowest thing ever, but it’s happening. I hope Michael didn’t come home with like horror stories about how bad my cough sounds or whatever. Brian says it’s disgusting, but obviously I wouldn’t know._

_I haven’t even thought about drawing anything. And what’s weird is I don’t even feel bad about it. I feel like I don’t even know if I’ll ever draw again, and that if I don’t it’s just...fine. I guess that’s proof of how tired I am if anything is. Evan had pneumonia back when we was diagnosed, and he said it took him about a month to feel back to normal. So I’ve kind of got December 8th as this date in my mind. That I’ll be better by then and we can have a normal Christmas. I think it’ll just be a quiet one here with me and Brian and Evan. Mom and Molly are doing this whole spa week, which they definitely both deserve._

_I haven’t been able to leave the apartment still which is...hard, but at least I can have people over now. They have to stay away from me and wear masks and stuff, but still, I get to see them. It was just Brian and my nurse and every once in a while Evan for ages. Molly brought Jane one time, and that was amazing, even though I wasn’t allowed to hold her._

_It just feels like everything’s on pause right now. Except time is still moving and my daughter is getting older and...I guess it’s just me that’s on pause. Except I’m getting better._

_Only it doesn’t really feel like it, and I’m starting to get a little scared._

_Love,_   
_Justin_

_December 7th, 2013_

_Hey Justin,_

_I thought I’d check in because tomorrow’s the day you’ve been counting down to. And I know you were hoping to be further along than you are._

_So I thought, as much as it will probably make you cringe to hear it, that I should make sure you know how incredibly proud of you all of us are. I know what it feels like to think that there's a timeline on when you need to get well, that otherwise people are going to get tired of you and think you're malingering and stop caring. But that so rarely really happens, and it's not happening now. We're not staring at a ticking clock wondering why you're not getting better faster. Brian calls us every day and tells us how much progress you're making. He tries to sound nonchalant about it, you know Brian, but even he can't._

_You can take all the time you need._

_Love,_   
_Ben_

_**_

_Ben,_

_You're right. Today I couldn't breathe when I woke up, fainted getting out of bed, and had a horrible fight with Brian about how sick he's getting of me being an asshole, so yes, I was hoping to be further along than this._

_I don't know what the fuck Brian's been telling you, but I'm not making any progress than I can see. I can barely stand up in the shower. I'm not allowed to leave the apartment or even go out on the balcony. I haven't seen my friends since Thanksgiving. There is nothing to be proud of here. I'm a fucking useless piece of shit and it's not getting any better._

_You know Brian has to sit me up every morning and put me on the side of the bed and help me get dressed? Does he mention that? Does he talk about the nurse that stays with me during the day and brings me to the bathroom, because I can't get there on my own? Has he mentioned I'm still not cleared to have sex?_

_Evan was WELL by now._

_With untreated HIV._

_Doesn't really look good, does it?_

_And it's a sweet narrative that everyone's being patient and waiting, but I have a daughter getting older by the second who I'm still not strong enough to hold, and there are younger, better artists coming up every day to take my place, and I don't know how long my boyfriend's going to wait for me to get better and I know Brian isn't going to leave but goddamn would he make himself miserable staying, and at this point, I don't see any other alternative._

_So yeah. Thanks for recognizing that I might be a little disappointed tomorrow._

_Justin_

_**_

_My dear Justin,_

_We all love you so goddamn much. We talk about you all the time. And from what Brian tells me about your friends up there, you have the city wrapped around your finger. You've only been there for a few years, and you had friends camped out in a house waiting for news when you were sick. Molly was here briefly over Christmas, and you should see how she talks about you when you're not around. And how everyone hounded her for information on how you were doing._

_I know it doesn't feel like it. I know. I know it feels like everything is moving on without you, and that we might forget that you're there, and that you can't keep up right now._

_I know it doesn't feel like it. But life is revolving around you right now, sweetheart. And that's because it's a beautiful human instinct, to rally around the sickest one. But it's also because of you._

_Love,_   
_Ben_

_December 8th, 2013_

_Hey Ben,_

_Sorry about that email yesterday. I had a complete breakdown this morning and Brian and I screamed and cried and he held me for a while and then he put all these photos up around the apartment so I wouldn't feel so trapped. He's...God. You know a few days ago he got drunk and maudlin and told me how lucky he was to have me? It was weird and cute but like...God I don't know what I did to keep him. I don't know if I don't deserve him or if every single sick person deserves him, but it's definitely one of the two._

_Anyway, I'm sorry for snapping at you. I was really...not functioning well. It's still hard, but something about bawling like a baby to Brian just makes everything better. And we're going to talk to my doctor about moving up the date I can break quarantine, even if it is risky. I think I finally convinced Brian that my mental health is as fucked up as my physical health and we have to try to weigh them both. I don't even know what I'm capable of doing out of the apartment, but even just sitting outside for a little while would be nice. Or going to a coffee shop! Or the library! God, I have to stop before I get weepy again._

_Thanks for putting up with me._

_Love,_   
_Justin_

_December 15th, 2013_

_Jus,_

_Brian just called Michael and asked a shitload of questions about getting an inspection before you buy a house. Something to share with the class?_

_Ben_

_**_

_Haha yeah about that..._

_so it's been kind of an eventful week. I'm actually in the hospital right now—I'M FINE, just a skin infection. It's very weird being here when I feel basically okay. And Brian was supposed to be looking for new apartments because...it's a long story, but basically he told me he thought it was time for us to move on from where we live now and I agreed. And now that Evan's spending more time with us it would be nice to have a bigger place. So we were going to look at places, but then I got sick and ended up here, so Brian had to do it solo, which is like...very weird!_

_It's funny, I think most people would assume just because of, like, heteronormativity, that Brian does all this stuff and makes all these decisions, and I don't want to make it sound like he's not totally capable of doing that because he is, I mean, he runs a whole company, but he doesn't actually like being the boss nearly as much as he likes not having a boss. Having to be above other people is just the unfortunate consequence of being on top. He doesn't really like it. And he's also just...not practical, doesn't think about stuff like, you know, HOME INSPECTIONS, just gets an idea in his head and goes full steam ahead, so...normally when there's a contract involved, that's my area. So if one of us was to go look at apartments alone, it would totally be me. And we would have ended up with a perfectly nice apartment._

_But I'm stuck here, so Brian went on his own, so of course he decided that I need a house and he's buying me a house._

_Eeeeeee._

_Love,_   
_Justin_

_**_

_December 25th, 2013_

_Dear Ben,_

_How do you help someone who's lost someone they really loved?_

_Evan's lover before me died a few years ago, and he's home now for the holidays and it's all hitting him and I can't help. And I just wish so much that I'd gotten to meet him, so I'd have something to say about him, but I don't, and Evan never talks about him. I barely know anything about him._

_It's been a long time since I've thought of myself as the one who's still around._

_Merry Christmas,_   
_Justin_

_**_

_Hi Justin,_

_I don't know if you remember, but years ago, the man who infected me, someone who I loved very much, died pretty suddenly. So I can try to tell you what it feels like to be in Evan's shoes, but more importantly what I can tell you was how amazing Michael was._

_But the truth is, judging by your last message, I'm not sure you need to hear any of it._

_What I was worried with Michael was that my grief would make him jealous, insecure. But it didn't, and that was an incredible gift that he gave me, and judging by the way you've talked about Evan's partner here, you're doing the same for him. And honestly I think given your history that's rather incredible. You and Brian were each other's real great loves, and you've never had to move on from each other, and it certainly doesn't seem like you ever will. And yet you understand that Evan's love for his late partner doesn't mean he loves you any less. I suppose you would, given your set-up with Brian and Evan, but it's still heartening to see._

_You're doing fine, my boy._

_Ben_

_December 29th, 2013_

_Ben—_

_I think part of it—and dear God don't mention this to Michael—is...well, absolutely it's what you said, that I have experience loving both Brian and Evan and not loving either less because of it, but I think actually I learned that from Ethan. Because—and this is the part we can't tell anyone, because nobody wants to hear it—I did love Ethan very much, and of course sometimes I wonder what would have happened if he hadn't gotten that contract and I hadn't had to end things. Like Brian said way back then, as soon as he got the offer of representation that came with the stipulation that he closet himself, there was no hope for us, and it wasn't anybody's fault. And now of course Ethan's out and partnered and wildly successful, and I suppose that's just the way things go._

_Anyway, my point is, I loved Ethan very much, but God, at no point did I stop loving Brian. And...this is probably crass to say, but I almost had to pretend that he was dead. It was the only way I could avoid imagining what if, what if._

_So I suppose I'm contradicting myself since then I thought I couldn't really love Brian and someone else at the same time, and now I know that I can. Or maybe I just didn't really love Ethan as much as I love Evan, and that seems more reasonable, since, besides the obvious exception, I can't imagine loving anyone as much as I love Evan._

_He's home now, thank God, and we're never letting him go back to LA again, Brian says. We showed him his room in the new house._

_I hope your Christmas was lovely. It's funny, back when I had that ridiculous December 8th deadline in mind, I was hoping for a nice Christmas, and it turned out we did have a really sweet one, just me and Brian and Jane and Emily and Gwen. I'm still tired, but I'm so, so much better. So I don't want you all to worry about me or anything like that. I have a doctor's appointment coming up on Monday and Brian's so sure they're going to tell me there's no permanent damage and everything's clearing up on its own, it just needs time. So I'm trying to be sure of that too._

_Now I have to get back to fighting a contractor about a bath tub. Long story. Wish me luck._

_Happy New Year_   
_Justin_

_January 4th, 2014_

_Hi Justin,_

_Just checking in to see how that scan went. We’ve been talking about you so much that Ivy came home from school with a drawing of lungs._

_Miss you,_   
_Ben_

He'd told us that the scan was that day. So I waited. And waited. And finally called him, and then Brian, neither of whom answered.

“They're probably out celebrating,” Michael said. “Justin told you he was getting better, right?”

And finally, an email.

_January 8th, 2014_

_Hey Ben._

_You know what, I am so sick of talking about pneumonia and lungs and seizures and blood counts. Let’s talk about something else. Let’s talk about the house._

_I’ve always kind of dreamed of this, you know? Back when I lived at the loft, I dreamed of having a place that was me and Brian’s, not just Brian’s with me allowed there. And don’t get me wrong, this apartment totally fulfilled that, but back then I always used to imagine a house with a yard and trees and I don’t know, a dog, even though I’m like deathly allergic to all three of those things, I know. But it feels like everything’s really happening now that it’s a house, I don’t know. This is a Brian I never dreamed I would have gotten. And it was his idea. He wanted to move, for me—it’s complicated—and he wanted the house. For me._

_Today I’m deciding not to feel guilty about how much Brian has given me and does for me and instead I am going to revel in how much this brilliant man loves me._

_He loves me SO much. Me._

_All my shit and he just...anyway._

_The house is beautiful. Our bedroom is on the main level so I don’t have to go up and down stairs every day. Evan has his own place in the basement so he can be with us when he wants but be on his own sometimes too, which he likes. We have so many bedrooms that Brian gets a gym and an office upstairs and we're turning one of the downstairs rooms into a closet, and we still have a room for Jane on the main floor and another guest room on the top. And God, you would not believe the bath tub (which I got sorted out)! It's really the most incredible place I've ever seen and I can't believe it's going to be my home in just a few weeks. Brian took me there the the other night and it's still a mess of construction and everything, but we drank champagne and danced a little and just for a moment everything seemed okay, you know? It really feels like in the new house, things are going to be different._

_That's why Brian wanted to move. The apartment felt like a hospital to him, and all he could see was me sick everywhere. So the new house is going to be different. It has to._

_Love,  
Justin_

_**_

_Justin--_

_The scan results??_

_Ben_

_February 10th, 2014_

_Hey Ben—_

_Sorry for the radio silence. We’ve been so busy getting ready for the move. Only a few more weeks now!_

_The apartment is really still tonight and it’s weird, after all the bustling around we’ve been doing packing and throwing shit out. Brian and Evan are both in New Orleans for Derek’s bachelor party. I was supposed to be there, obviously, but my blood counts still aren’t where they need to be for plane travel and general debauchery, so here we are. It’s my first night alone since I got sick, and it’s strange. I’m not worried, exactly, but it’s kind of spooky. It’s also sort of nice, though. I spend so much time worrying about not bothering people, or scaring them. Even Brian and Evan, I still stress out sometimes because I can see on their faces how concerned they are even when they try to hide it, and I just feel bad about taking up that much of their time or attention. I don’t think I was really meant to be this big a part of people’s lives. I think it’s this role I’ve been thrust into and I try to make the best of it and see the positives of being the center of attention—and there are plenty of positives—but it’s still just not natural for me. Brian always talks about how easy I am, and I believe that I used to be. I think I’m supposed to be easy._

_But, you know. It is what it is._

_Brian just called all drunk and adorable from his hotel room, so that was nice. I know I should sleep, but it’s weird when I’m here alone and there’s no like, signals that it’s time to wind down. I hadn’t realized it, but I guess I’m kind of used to watching Brian stretch and drink some decaf and straighten up a little while he turns off the lights in the apartment. Even on nights he goes out, he kind of sees me to bed before he goes, and, I don’t know. I’m a creature of habit._

_But I do like being on my own, I think. For a little while. It’s good to see that I can take care of myself. I need a reminder of that sometimes._

_Hope you’re doing well. Love to Michael and Ivy._

_Justin_

_February 27th, 2013_

_Dear Justin,_

_Happy moving day! Hope the transition from the apartment to the new house is as easy and painless as a move can possibly be. Don't push yourself too hard, and send us pictures as everything gets set up! Having an extra cup of coffee this morning on your behalf._

_I took a look at those drafts you sent me last week, and while of course it's a relief to me that you're creating again...are you doing it just to be a relief to people? Something to keep an eye on, I think. I know you said Brian's been worried about you because you haven't been working, but the only reason he cares about it is for reassurance that you're okay. He's looking for everything to be back to the way it was before you got so sick a few months ago. But it's okay if you're not there yet, and you don't owe anyone going back to work right now. It's only been a few months. I promise the up and comers aren't that quick. The art world isn't going to forget you if you take six months, a year to recover._

_Just something to think about. Enjoy today as much as you can! Can't wait to see the place._

_Ben_

_**_

_Hey Ben—_

_Thank you for the well wishes!! Me and my still-healing shoulder have been banished to the basement of the new house while everyone works on unloading stuff upstairs. Cripple perks._

_Molly’s here, and Emily and Gwen and Jen and Daphne and Derek are all coming over in a few hours to see the place and hopefully bring us pizza. I think that’s what will make this place feel like home: having everyone here, me probably lying around feeling like shit while everyone talks and laughs. I love that. I love just getting to be sick around my favorite people, getting to just watch them without anyone pressuring me to participate or making a big deal about me. Brian and I are talking about getting a daybed for the living room so I can literally just be in a bed but still be, like, out in the open, being part of things, instead of shut in my room. But I think between the house and the floor cushions we're just fine._

_God, I can't wait to see how it looks with all our stuff moved in._

_I can't believe we're here._

_Facetime tonight so I can show you the place?_

_Love,  
Justin_

_March 15th, 2013_

_Hi Ben—_

_Thanks for letting us borrow Michael this coming weekend! Looking forward to getting some work done on the comic book for the first time in...God, who knows how long. I keep getting fan letters from horny gay teenagers begging for another issue. Or nude pictures of me. Kids these days, man. Though I suppose I don't have a lot of room to talk._

_Wish you could come too, but I totally understand not wanting to leave Ivy, especially with Melanie and Lindsay already out of town. We need to find a time to get you up here, though!_

_The house continues to be amazing. Having Evan around all the time is fucking...it's such a _relief,_ I think, for both me and Brian, just for me to know that he's here and okay, and for Brian to know that he has someone else to turn to if I need something and his hands are full. Three is just easier than two, I think. I don't know why more people don't do this. You never have to figure out anything by yourself. There's always at least one other person. That's pretty valuable when the part of you that makes confident decisions got a little bashed in once upon a time._

_Anyway! Looking forward to seeing Michael. If you wanted to nudge him to bring some of Debbie's oatmeal cookies as a housewarming gift...I wouldn't complain. Brian would, but he'd also eat way more than his fair share. He's so queer._

_Love,  
Justin_

_March 20th, 2013_

_Dear Justin,_

_Okay. So Michael gave me the rundown._

_Sweetheart._

_I didn't know it was that bad._

_Are you okay?_

_Love,  
Ben_

_**_

_Ben—_

_I'm okay._

_As you might have guessed, those test results back in January weren't great. I'm sorry. I just couldn't stand talking about it with anyone but Brian and Evan. We'd all been so hopeful, and then to find out there was all this permanent damage..._

_It's not usually as bad as it is right now. Allergy season's hitting me hard. I had an asthma attack two weeks ago so bad I needed an epipen at Kinnetik, so that's a fun thing that happened._

_It will get better than it is right now, my doctor says. There's still some stuff that's clearing up that will clear up. But there's a lot of scarring, and that's not going to get better._

_Brian says it's something new and exciting for us. And not in like a sarcastic way. He says it's amazing that after this long we can still have something we've never been through before._

_I can't believe I have him._

_I also can't believe that my lungs are fucked up forever and the real reason I can't talk about it is because I am so fucking goddamn angry._

_All the stuff we've learned about disability positivity? All the theory and community and everything Frida said? It's out the fucking window. I'm not positive about this. I'm not seeing things more clearly or expanding my consciousness or seeing a better part of humanity. I'm fucking suffocating._

_So I have to not think about it and I have to not talk about it because on top of feeling like absolute sucking shit all the time, I'm so fucking ashamed of being this terrible version of the sick person that I want to be. That I'm supposed to be. I feel like a stupid stereotype in some stupid movie who's all angry and bitter and then some abled person's going to come around and save me, and I don't want anyone to save me, and I certainly don't want to meet a new abled person, that's for goddamn sure._

_I just want to save myself. I just want to breathe._

_So can you spin this? Can you show me how this is actually bringing me closer to something, and turn me back into a fuck-the-ableds sick person instead of a fuck-my-body sick person? Because I really liked the first one a lot better. He was a crusader. I don't know what I am now._

_I'm just so, so goddamn sick of myself. And I'm so tired of feeling this way. And I don't know the social model of disability works when I just feel like absolute shit all the time and that's not the fault of capitalism or inaccessibility or whatever the fuck, it's just what's going on inside my literal body. I know how to be okay with being disabled and I am, most of the time, but we both know I've struggled a lot with being okay with being sick and it's hitting me hard now. I'm not proud of being sick, and I don't like being sick. I try so hard not to complain because Jesus Christ what's the point besides annoying people, but I feel horrible all of the time and it's not going to stop and it's not doing anything good for anyone. Least of all me._

_I just want to feel okay. I remember when I felt okay. Back when I was a kid I could do anything._

_So...help? Make this all fit into some philosophy? Make me the disabled poster boy again?_

_Because I'm not. I'm not okay._

_Justin_

_**_

_Justin—_

_All that theory all those quotes about disability are there to make you, a disabled person, feel better in the world. If they're not working, throw them out. They're not a mandate. And they are certainly not a mandate not to grieve what you've lost._

_Could I spin this? Yes, I've had HIV for twenty years, and for many of those years I haven't felt how I'd want to. I could spin this. But I'm not going to._

_You are not a model, Justin. You're a person. You are your own person, and how your feelings affect or look to other people should not be the your first or your second or your third concern. Your feelings are about you, and right now they aren't here to motivate others; they're here to validate you. What has happened to you sucks. Your mind is giving you permission to hurt._

_You don't owe it to anyone to be the perfect sick person. You don't owe anyone anything._

_Love,  
Ben_

_April 3rd, 2013_

_Ben—_

_Brian does this funny thing when we fight. Afterwards, he tells me I was brave._

_He knows he's hard to stand up to, and he knows that thanks to my PTSD it's hard for me to stand up to anyone at all, an he wants me to be able to do it. Even when it's because I disagree with him, sometimes about things he's convinced are life or death. He is impressed. Brian doesn't tell me that I'm brave when I'm in the hospital with a tube down my throat—and thank God for that, because I have no interest in being praised for doing things I would gladly opt out of given the choice—but he says I'm brave when we fight._

_He loves me._

_This comes up because we had this fight last night. About Disney World, of all things. I got these test results that said my white blood cell counts are normal, and Kinnetik is working on this Disney account so they have to go to Orlando anyway, so Brian and Emily had the idea that we should all just go down there for a cute little vacation. And I was still just so scared that I was going to get sick, even though the test results said I probably won't._

_Brian pointed out that I'm already sick, and it was one of those moments where it hits me how much he worries about me, and how no test results are going to change that. He has to listen to me breathe every day._

_And he says my job is to be brave. That he's there to catch me or reel me back in. I'm supposed to fight. I'm supposed to be brave._

_I know you said I don't owe anyone anything, but I think I do owe Brian this. I think I owe him being as loud and brilliant and fucking...Sunshiney as I can be._

_Not a lot of people are bold enough to saddle me with responsibilities right now. Brian is._

_He's brave._

_And we're going to Disney World._

_Love,  
Justin_

I read the email and smiled.

He was pushing back against what I'd said.

He was going to be just fine.

**Author's Note:**

> There will be a part 2 soon! It was just getting really long.
> 
> Thank you thank you thank you to Meg, Anita, Sam, Parker, Cotton, Cesy, Britt, M, Mary, Nair, Tami, Cher, Julie, Hannah, and Deborah for supporting this series.
> 
> Follow for updates and general babbling about the series! Come ask me questions! twitter.com/LaVieEnRose


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